Sir Cumference and other puns from Apropos of Nothing
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
Other humorous observations from Apropos of Nothing
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Do you realize that in about 20 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. – ……It could be a right number.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My reality cheque bounced.
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
After 50, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
Always be yourself because the people that matter, don’t mind. And the ones that do mind don’t matter.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
I don’t get even, I get odder.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘What the heck happened?’
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
No one ever says “It’s only a game.” when their team is winning.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.
Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
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