Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Makes you think...
Sir Cumference and other puns from Apropos of Nothing
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
Other humorous observations from Apropos of Nothing
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Do you realize that in about 20 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. – ……It could be a right number.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My reality cheque bounced.
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
After 50, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
Always be yourself because the people that matter, don’t mind. And the ones that do mind don’t matter.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
I don’t get even, I get odder.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘What the heck happened?’
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
No one ever says “It’s only a game.” when their team is winning.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.
Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
Friday, June 25, 2010
For Sale?
Selected from Huffington Post
If only...
Woo Hoo!
Seriously overpriced yesterday!
What if I only need 2?
Well, actually it's ABOVE the other price...
Honesty is the best policy. PS. They forgot an apostrophe :-)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry ... 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What's your perspective?
If you're not looking at things in the right perspective, things just don't make sense…
Monday, June 21, 2010
Lawyers never cease to amaze me....
With apologies to any legitimate lawyers out there... Both of you! :-)
Seems like someone doesn't have a very big sense of humor. Specifically the law firm of Faegre & Benson. Either that, or they get paid by the letter...
See the full scoop at the ThinkGeek page.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Airspace rebooted
It always amazes me to see how much air traffic there really is at any one point in time. The Icelandic volcano eruption a while ago caused all air traffic to be grounded for a while for safety reasons. The video below shows what the skies looked like as things went back to normal over the course of many days.
Airspace Rebooted from ItoWorld on Vimeo.
A visualisation of the northern European airspace returning to use after being closed due to volcanic ash. Due to varying ash density across Europe, the first flights can be seen in some areas on the 18th and by the 20th everywhere is open.
The flight data is courtesy of http://www.flightradar24.com and covers a large fraction of Europe. There are a few gaps (most noticeably France) and no coverage over the Atlantic, but the picture is still clear.
The map data is CC-by-SA http://www.openstreetmap.org and contributors.
This CC-by-SA visualisation was produced by http://www.itoworld.com with support from http://ideasintransit.org
UPDATE: New 1080p version with different view, more data, and CO2 burn rates: http://vimeo.com/11739091
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Rewarding honesty
My daughter recently celebrated her birthday, and, as is tradition, she got to decide where to go for dinner. She chose Rainforest Café in Auburn Hills this year. There were five adults and the three kids that night so we were a party of eight. When we were done with our tasty dinner, the waiter (is that still the correct term?) brought the check and I inserted my payment into the sleeve. He came back a little while later, collected the payment folder and said "I'll be right back with your change."
I don't remember where, but I'd just read something about how to "correctly" collect that folder. It was an article complaining about how some waiters asked if you wanted any change back, or other such comments that assumed you were leaving a tip in the first place. I don't remember the details, but in the end, the article proclaimed that the "polite" way to address that was to, as our waiter did, say "I'll be right back with your change." So when he said it, it kinda caught my attention.
Anyway... I stated that we were all set (essentially, "Keep the change"), and after a polite "thank you" he was off. I was a little surprised when several moments later he came back to the table with the check folder and knelt down beside me. I was sure that I had counted the bills correctly... He went on to say something to the effect of "I'm either here to remind you, or to say thank you..." He stated that because we were a party of 8, the gratuity had already been added in (he showed me on the bill), but it looked like I hadn't noticed that and had left an additional tip. WHAT?! Someone was offering to give back money instead of just pocketing it?!
I had indeed neglected to see that the tip was already included, and had, in fact, added "the tip" in addition to the already calculated tip. He graciously offered to let me recalculate how much money to include in the folder (to take back the "extra tip") and I admit that I thought about it for a second (who can afford to be giving away money unnecessarily these days? Not ME!), but thought better of it and said that he could keep it. I was shocked that he was so upstanding about it. But, because he was, I don't feel bad giving him a reward for that honesty. He was as great waiter, kept my water glasses filled, interacted with the kids, etc. I hope he sees it as a reward for a job, and a person, well done and not as someone trying to throw money around. Based on precedence, I'll believe that he did.
Say Cheese!
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, 'What are you doing?'
The child answered, 'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.'
Smile!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Little Red Paper clip
I am lucky enough to have a really good monitor (actually two) at work -- large, vibrant, crisp display. I use them extensively throughout the day as I shuffle between applications I use to perform my job duties. I also use them for something else though. I use them to remind myself of different things. Sometimes those things are represented by pictures of my family as a wallpaper, but more often than not I use images that I find on Flickr to express my mood (a tranquil sea-shot perhaps or a beautiful shot of lightning), alter my mood (a funny animal picture, or nice nature shot), or shout encouragement (see below) whenever I have a little desktop showing. I change them several times a week usually, and I let them scroll randomly through on their own as a screen saver when I'm away from the desk.
The image I have on my desktop this week is of a little red paper clip. It's a little philosophical to most, but when I see it, I remind myself that little things can turn into big things -- for better or worse.
"What the heck is he talking about?!" I know you're thinking it :-)
Several years ago, a brilliant, but eccentric Canadian decided that he was in need of a house, 'cept he couldn't afford one. So he took what he had, a little red paper clip, and decided that he was gonna trade up -- all the way to a house. Kyle MacDonald was that man.
According to the Wikipedia article:
- On July 14, 2005, he went to Vancouver and traded the paperclip for a fish-shaped pen.
- He then traded the pen the same day for a hand-sculpted doorknob from Seattle, Washington, which he nicknamed "Knob-T".
- On July 25, 2005, he traveled to Amherst, Massachusetts, with a friend to trade the Knob-T for a Coleman camp stove (with fuel).
- On September 24, 2005, he went to San Clemente, California, and traded the camp stove for a Honda generator.
- On November 16, 2005, he made a second (and successful) attempt (after having the generator confiscated by the New York City Fire Department) in Maspeth, Queens, to trade the generator for an "instant party": an empty keg, an IOU for filling the keg with the beer of the holder's choice, and a neon Budweiser sign.
- On December 8, 2005, he traded the "instant party" to Quebec comedian and radio personality Michel Barrette for a Ski-doo snowmobile.
- Within a week of that, he traded the snowmobile for a two-person trip to Yahk, British Columbia, in February 2006.
- On or about January 7, 2006, the second person on the trip to Yahk traded Kyle a cube van for the privilege.
- On or about February 22, 2006, he traded the cube van for a recording contract with Metal Works in Toronto.
- On or about April 11, 2006, he traded the recording contract to Jody Gnant for a year's rent in Phoenix, Arizona.
- On or about April 26, 2006, he traded the one year's rent in Phoenix, Arizona, for one afternoon with Alice Cooper.
- On or about May 26, 2006, he traded the one afternoon with Alice Cooper for a KISS motorized snow globe.
- On or about June 2, 2006, he traded the KISS motorized snow globe to Corbin Bernsen for a role in the film Donna on Demand.[2]
- On or about July 5, 2006, he traded the movie role for a two-story farmhouse in Kipling, Saskatchewan.
In less than a year, a piece of metal less than 6 inches long (or, I guess, 15.25 centimeters since this guy is from up north), it turned into something so much bigger! And the journey was worth just as much as the final trade I suspect -- the people he met, the press coverage, the travel...
But back to my little world. My point is that often I let the little things get in the way of my accomplishing the big things. I let some little jerk ruin my day because of what s/he did or didn't do, or did or didn't say. I let those little things add up to a much bigger thing, but in a much different way than Kyle did. I need to remind myself that it's up to me what that little paper clip turns into. It can turn into a piece of metal all twisted and contorted or even broken into pieces, or it can lead to something much nicer and more fulfilling, even if it's not a new house.
My "in-your-face reminders" don't always work, but I've gained some notoriety for my desktops and now people stopping by ask me what they mean. Even the discussion with my coworkers aims to reinforce my goal. It gets them thinking a bit too... It's worth a try anyway.
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